8 Tips To Thrive In The Empty Nest: Rocking Midlife Wellness
By Aishakeel, 15 November 2023
Table of Contents
As parents, we invest years into nurturing our children, dedicating ourselves to countless activities and milestones. Being a mum is like a full-time job and you have poured your heart and soul into your job. When the time comes for our kids to fly the nest, it can feel like a seismic shift; as if you have been fired from your job!!
It’s important to understand that this shift is not a firing but a new chapter; you still have a job but your role has changed!
We experience bittersweet emotions of seeing our kids leave home and gain independence. These emotions are a form of grief for the changing part of life. This is a transition from knowing every detail about our children’s lives to a more distant relationship, as they grow independent. This is the natural process of families evolving and individuals grieving differently.
This article gives tips to cope with the empty nest and thrive in this new phase of life. They work for me so hopefully you will find them useful as well.
1. Start Preparing For The Empty Nest
The inevitable part of any profession is knowing that one day it will come to an end and you will retire from it. It’s a good idea to prepare for it so it doesn’t hurt you so badly when it happens.
Transitioning into the empty nest phase requires preparation. Couples should make time for each other, engage in shared activities, and build a life beyond the role of being parents. This ensures a strong foundation for the next phase of life.
Focusing on one another before children leave home establishes a strong foundation. Go on dates with your husband and remember that, no doubt your kids are part of your world, but they are not your entire world. Doing things together before your kids leave home helps you keep a strong relationship. You won’t have to start over completely after they leave, and you can continue growing together.
(build a strong connection with your spouse before your kids leave home)
I can safely say that the only reason I have been able to stay sane and survive without my kids, who are both abroad, is because I’m emotionally very involved with my husband. His love and support are the two pillars that stand on either side of me and keep me rooted, otherwise, I would literally be flying between my kids and home all the time.
2. Don't Take Everything On Yourself
In the context of your child leaving home and going off to study, it means not letting your emotions get entangled with theirs. Remember, it’s their roller coaster, not yours. While it’s natural to feel for them, avoid making their emotions your own.
Let them go through the ups and downs without trying to fix everything. Let them know that you are here for them and they can chat with you and ask you for advice but at the same time let them make the mistakes they’re going to make and make their own choices. Let them be adults; don’t treat them like children
Allowing our kids to face challenges is tough, but it’s crucial for their growth into independent adults. While you won’t let them suffer to the point of harm, you encourage them to figure things out on their own. It’s through this process that they become self-reliant and develops problem-solving skills.
(relate to your children as adults)
Relate to your children as adults. We let our kids make their own decisions, but we assure them that we have their backs and we support them, both emotionally and financially, when needed.
3. Don’t Have Too Many Expectations Of Your Adult Children
We shouldn’t expect our grown-up kids to do specific things for us. It’s like saying, “Hey, kids, you don’t have to call me a certain number of times or visit at specific times. Just live your own life, and if you want to talk or visit, that’s great!”
It’s healthier not to expect too much from your grown-up children. The best thing is for the kids to focus on their own lives, and we, as parents, should be okay with that. The only thing we owe our kids is a safe and loving home, and that’s about it. So, instead of expecting a lot, it’s better to let the relationship happen naturally based on love and choice, not because they feel obligated to do certain things for us.
My only demand from our kids is a daily message. Sometimes when the whole day has gone by and there is no message from them, then I send them a message asking
“All OK”?.
I then get a reply like “Yes, all ok. Are you OK”?
My reply is usually “ Yes we are fine. Don’t worry”.
I’m sure that most parents would be content with brief, yet comforting, messages like these.
Cut your kids some slack from time to time!!
4. Don’t Emotionally Burden Your Kids
We shouldn’t make our grown-up kids carry our emotional problems. It’s like putting heavy rocks in their backpacks, making it hard for them to move freely. Imagine you have a backpack, and someone keeps putting heavy stuff in it; it’s not fair, right?
Don’t burden them with your emotions, as it’s not their responsibility. Be honest but refrain from making your feelings their problems. Give them space to navigate their journey without guilt or unnecessary worry about your well-being.
It’s better to let our kids be free and not hold them back. It’s like saying, “Go, explore the world, and don’t worry about my problems.”
I try to share my good moments with the kids, like pictures at a restaurant or at the park with hubby. I encourage them to travel and do things on their bucket list before they settle down and have a family.
Read my post, The Empty Nest Effect: Coping with Feelings of Loss and Loneliness, for a detailed account of facing your initial feelings.
5. Detaching With Love.
It’s not about cutting them off but allowing a healthy distance. Instead of focusing solely on your adult children, shift your lens to other aspects of life—charities, work, friends, or anyone who finds you useful. It’s a shift from being the primary focus for 18 years to being an available backup. This healthy detachment gives you time for self-care without guilt, acknowledging that you’ve done a good job as a parent. Shift your attention to your husband, or your elderly parents who value your presence.
I think about the kids all the time but I focus more on my health, my husband, and writing my blog.
6. Knowing Your Kids Have Support Other than You
It’s important to realize that your kids have other people around them who can offer support.
When they start university, there are special programs to show them around and introduce them to campus life. They also have advisors who help them choose their classes and figure out what they want to study. If they ever feel stressed or need someone to talk to, there are counselors available. There are tutors and study groups for classes to help them do well. Living on campus, some people take care of dormitory issues, and they can also get advice about their future careers.
The university has health services for medical needs, and there are fun activities and clubs to join, making friends, and getting involved. Technology support is there for any computer or online class problems. Overall, universities offer a lot of different kinds of help to make sure that your child has a good start and succeeds in their studies and personal lives.
(knowing your kids have support other than you)
You don’t have to be their sole go-to for advice. Knowing they have a network gives you peace of mind. Remember, whatever you’re feeling right now, it’s not permanent.
My son lives abroad with my mum and I’m so thankful that he has her for emotional support. My sister is like a second mum to him. There is a whole network of family around him so I don’t worry so much about him.
My daughter lives on her own and she has some good friends around her who have her back. I worry more about her because she lives in a studio flat on her own but she is the Resident Assistant of her student building. She is the first point of contact for her building students if they have any problems at all – it could be practical problems such as falling short on rent, or more personal problems such as homesickness. This way she gets to meet students all the time and helps with the loneliness aspect.
7. Be Realistic With Your Children
Be yourself and show your adult children what it means to be a real person. Unlike when they were younger and we played the “super mom” role, now we can demonstrate that we’re not perfect. Sharing our experiences, including mistakes, struggles, divorce, and pain, helps them see that failure is a part of life and not something to fear. This second half of life with adult children allows us to stop modeling perfection and offer them a glimpse into our authentic selves. It’s about letting them understand our human side and answering questions about our job or personal experiences. It’s a balance of being real while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
This is a delicate balance to maintain. You are trying not to burden your children with your problems and yet you don’t want them to think that life is a bed of roses. I find that it’s best if we tell them about the mistakes we made or the problems we faced when we were their age, rather than worrying them about our current situation. I find that they can relate better to our past experiences.
8. Remember, It’s Not Permanent
Returning to an empty house after your kids leave can bring mixed emotions—quiet, and cleanliness, but also a sense of emptiness. The first few nights are sleepless, and the mornings bring a feeling like waking up after a loss.
This feeling, though intense, isn’t permanent. Whatever you’re going through with your kids—be it constant calls or homesickness—remember it’s not permanent. It’s like when you feel really happy or really sad; those feelings change with time, which means they don’t last forever.
When you face challenging moments, then take action. Do something productive like going for a walk or helping someone, to shift your focus. We must not let our feelings weigh us down and give ourselves some time to adjust.
I have good days followed by not-so-good days and I get through them by telling myself that these sad feelings are not permanent, and tomorrow will be a better day.
Final Word
The key takeaway is the importance of getting ready for the empty nest. Couples should build a life beyond parenting, ensuring a strong foundation for the next phase. Focusing on each other before children leave establishes this foundation and allows for continued growth. Prepare yourself to transit the empty nest in a way that makes you proud, even if everything isn’t perfect.
Your attitude plays a huge role in how you handle situations. If you handle this transition smoothly then your kids can have peace of mind and feel less guilty about leaving you behind. Let them be free and explore the world without the weight of unnecessary emotional baggage.
If you have done a good job as a parent then you have raised kids who understand the values of family and they know how to respect their parents. If you have been a role model and your kids have seen your behaviour with your own parents then they will replicate these actions with their parents, which is you. If you have sowed the seeds of love properly’ then they will continue to give you fruit forever. Your grown-up children will care for you because they love you, not because of duty calls.
(your grown-up children care for you because they love you)
Imagine life phases as forming new habits that last around five to seven years. When you move into a new phase, looking back at the old ones might make you question how you managed. The key is to keep things positive as you navigate these chapters in life. Remember, the way you approach each phase determines how you’ll come out of it. So, the advice is to keep it awesome.
In essence, embracing these strategies can help parents thrive in the empty nest phase, allowing for growth, continuity, and a positive perspective on the evolving journey of parenthood.
FAQs
Preparing for the empty nest is vital as it marks a significant life transition. Just like any profession, parenthood has its seasons, and readiness ensures a smoother shift, allowing couples to build a strong foundation for the next phase.
Couples can strengthen their relationship by making time for each other, engaging in shared activities, and building a life beyond the role of being parents. Going on dates and acknowledging that kids are part, not the entirety, of their world helps establish a robust foundation.
As children leave for their adventures, it’s important not to let parents’ emotions become entangled with theirs. Allowing adult children to navigate their ups and downs independently fosters their growth into self-reliant, problem-solving adults.
Detaching with love involves shifting focus from being the primary focus for 18 years to being an available backup. This healthy detachment allows parents time for self-care without guilt, acknowledging their role as supportive figures and promoting their well-being.
Parents should refrain from making their emotional problems their grown-up kids’ responsibility. By being honest yet giving them space to navigate their journey, parents allow their children to explore the world without unnecessary worry about their well-being.
Adult children, especially in university, have various support systems like programs, advisors, counselors, and friends. Knowing this gives parents peace of mind, understanding that their children have a network for assistance.
Being realistic involves showing authenticity, sharing experiences, and not portraying life as perfect. By letting them understand the human side of their parents and answering questions about past experiences, a balanced relationship is maintained.
Parents can cope with the intense feelings by remembering that the emotions aren’t permanent. Taking action, such as engaging in productive activities or seeking support, helps shift focus and provides time for adjustment.
The key is to build a life beyond parenting, focus on each other, and let the relationship with adult children unfold naturally. A positive attitude and the realization that children will care out of love, not duty, are essential for parents to thrive in the empty nest phase.
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