The Empty Nest Effect: Coping with Feelings of Loss and Loneliness
By Aishakeel, 01 November 2023
Coping with the empty nest? If your once bustling home now feels a little too quiet, and you’re struggling with emotions of loss and loneliness, you’re not alone. In this guide, we’ll explore the ‘Empty Nest Effect’ and share practical tips to help you navigate this transition with resilience and a touch of newfound freedom.
The transition to an empty nest is a turbulent journey, marked by a complex interplay of emotions as parents prepare to see their children spread their wings and take flight. The ‘Empty Nest Effect,’ not only creates the expected feelings of loss and loneliness, but also the untapped potential for self-discovery and renewed freedom. It’s a phase that beckons us to embrace change, build closer connections with our life partners, and find new ways to cherish our own dreams and aspirations. Join me as we navigate this transformative chapter and discover how we can walk on this path with increased inner strength and witness personal growth.
Table of Contents
How it all started
Motherhood Completes a Woman
When I became a mother almost 26 years ago, and held Yusuf in my arms, I was trying to convince myself that this precious little bundle of joy is mine forever!
Jet black hair and big innocent eyes. His tiny lips formed an “O” as he looked around. He was special.
My husband was working abroad and I was bursting to share this newly found happiness with him, but my sister was there for me and she played the role of a second parent.
We had already decided that if we have a son, he’ll be named Yusuf. As soon as he was born, we started calling him Yusuf and I formed an instant bond with him. I felt as if Yusuf had been with me forever.
My husband and I had gone from a happy party of two, to a very happy family of three. Everything changed and Yusuf became our number one priority. We were thoroughly enjoying our new parental roles.
When I was expecting my second child, only a few months later, I was just as excited as the first time. I really wanted a daughter so I was over the moon when Asiya was born a year later.
When she made her entrance into the world, all we could see on her face were tiny pink cheeks and huge beautiful eyes. It was love at first sight with Asiya. She was the most adorable baby. Yusuf called her Bee!!
I was unsure how I was going to divide my love among Yusuf, Asiya and my hubby, but I instantly realized that they each had 100% of my undivided love!
Our life had fast forwarded and we had gone from a very happy family of three to a complete family of four. Suddenly every moment became worthy of a snapshot and our life became a very interesting story worth telling.
I didn’t know how strong and fierce maternal feelings can be until I had Yusuf and Asiya. I felt responsible for their entire well-being.
With two kids in the house, the chaos and sleepless nights became a ”normal” and we were to live in this “happy madness” for the next 17 years.
I loved my role as a mother, as a wife. My family was my entire world
Sleepless nights, leftover meals, settling never ending quarrels, school runs, playing games, helping with homework, satisfying their curiosity, planning trips, tucking them into bed at night, and so much more went on behind the scenes.
I felt extremely blessed. My life revolved around my family and no matter how tired I was, I always found comfort in my little world of four!
The Nest is Empty
When the time came for Yusuf to leave home, and go abroad to study, I was not prepared for the grief.
I know he has to go and study but he’s only 17!
But he has to leave home one day……it’s normal
I can’t be selfish. He’ll come home after a few months. It’s going to be okay!
But at this moment, despite all my reassurances, it was really painful. I cried so much that my eyes became a slit. I had to ice them to bring down the swelling because I had to go to work the next day.
And this was just half an empty nest!!
Asiya and hubby really helped me to stay sane. I realized that we should never take things for granted and I appreciated my family of three more than ever. My daughter and I became even closer to each other and she held my hand through this difficult phase.
But a couple of years later, the long-anticipated day finally arrived. After years of nurturing and guiding our children, it was time for our daughter, Asiya to go abroad for studying on her own, leaving the nest behind.
I was devastated.
I knew that this emptiness in our home and in our lives, and maintaining a long distance relationship with our kids was going to be a long, slow and a painful journey.
How am I going to survive?
I’ll get a job in the airline industry so I can travel cheap and visit my kids frequently.
Don’t be so over emotional, it’ll be okay
Hubby and I will get through this phase together!
I was constantly in battle with myself.
Our children were embarking on their unique journeys, and a chapter of our life was gently closing.
Creating a vibrant new patch in our life “quilt “
Life is compared to a patchwork quilt in which each day represents a different patch. Some days are joyful and bright, while others are gloomy and dull. As these patches are stitched together, they create a complete block, symbolizing the tapestry of our lives.
Memories, dreams and personal experiences are fused to make something unique. Like pieces of fabric in a richly patterned quilt, each part of one’s self holds its own special place in the overall picture, giving completeness to the whole.
Some of these patchwork squares are aged, rich with memories, much like a piece of fabric taken from a cherished childhood blanket or a beloved article of clothing. Others are fresh and brimming with excitement, infusing a sense of adventure. Sometimes the colors harmonize, offering a soothing effect, while at other times, patches wear down, stitches come undone, and the squares no longer seem to fit. Collectively, these diverse pieces tell the story of our life.
This phase of life, the empty nest, although filled with memories and a hint of loss, presents a remarkable opportunity for self-discovery, personal growth, and newfound freedom – not only for our children but also for ourselves.
The once vibrant walls of our home, filled with youthful energy, now echo with a silence that can be both unsettling and liberating. As we navigate our way through the empty nest, we will have moments of uncertainty and self-doubt. This transition stirs a mix of emotions for parents, making it crucial to approach this new chapter with love and understanding.
Welcome to the transformative phase of becoming an empty nester! Let’s explore what it means to embrace this new stage and navigate this emotional journey.
Reflecting on the past
As our kids step into this new chapter, I can’t help but look back on their journey and, in a way, ours too. Memories of their first words, those heartwarming moments we’ve shared, and the incredible growth we’ve witnessed come rushing back.
Sure, a bit of nostalgia creeps in, but it’s overshadowed by an immense sense of joy, love, pride, and accomplishment when I see what remarkable individuals they’ve grown into. Their achievements, the hurdles they’ve overcome, and the lessons they’ve learned have molded them into resilient and capable young adults, more than ready to conquer the world.
The fear of letting go
As parents, we have been dedicated to safeguarding and nurturing our children, since their birth. The idea of withdrawing our control and allowing them to face the uncertainties of life can indeed be a daunting prospect.
Our thoughts are flooded with concerns about their safety, their capacity to shoulder responsibilities, and their readiness for this next phase. It’s natural for us to experience a mixture of apprehension and uneasiness. However, it’s important to know that this transition is an essential component of their journey towards growth and development.
Navigating the empty nest
When our children spread their wings and leave home after high school, we’re faced with the reality of the “empty nest.” The house that used to echo with laughter, chaos, and the constant bickering between the kid, now seems eerily quiet and empty. This is when a deep feeling of loss and loneliness can take hold. But it’s vital to see this newfound freedom as a chance for personal growth and a chance to rediscover ourselves and reconnect with our life partners.
Empty nest syndrome
Empty nest syndrome refers to the emotions parents experience when their children leave home, such as sadness, anxiety, and grief. It can affect both men and women. Read about the five most common signs of this syndrome.
1. Your life lacks direction
After years of parenting filled with various activities, the departure of your children can leave your days feeling somewhat empty. This sentiment is common among parents adjusting to an empty nest, especially if they were strongly involved in their parenting role. The good news is that, with time, you can discover new purpose, particularly through hobbies or fresh challenges. While it’s normal to experience a sense of grief during this adjustment, it’s essential to recognize the new chapter that’s beginning, both in your child’s life and in your own.
2. You no longer have control over their life
The transition to an empty nest can be challenging as parents relinquish control over their children’s schedules. It’s common to feel frustrated and left out when you’re no longer aware of the details of your child’s day-to-day life: attending classes, going to work, going on a trip, or hanging out with friends. However, it’s important not to become a helicopter parent- characterized by over-involvement and “hovering” over a child. Research shows this can backfire and reduce a young adult’s well-being.
Instead, focus on being an advisor rather than constantly directing their life. Embrace this phase as an opportunity for your own personal growth, such as pursuing interests and reconnecting with friends. Over time, the adjustment to an empty nest becomes easier, and a new sense of normal in your life will emerge.
3. You are emotionally distressed
You start crying when watching an ad where a mother hugs her child, or when you go to a place where you have memories with your kids, don’t worry. It’s because your emotions are on steroids right now. When this happens, things or people you’d normally ignore suddenly become very important.
When your kids leave home, it stirs up lots of feelings. You might feel sad because they’re all grown up, mad at yourself for not being home more, worried about your marriage, scared about aging, and frustrated about not being where you thought you’d be.
It’s okay to feel these emotions; it’s okay to be sad sometimes. Trying to hide your pain or sadness won’t make them go away.
We all deal with emotions in our own way. Some of us live in denial, while others pretend all is good. Let yourself feel whatever emotions come up. Dealing with them directly can actually make them go away faster than trying to push them aside.
4. You feel stress on your marriage
Many couples, in the process of raising children, are so focused on their family, that their relationship takes the back seat, When the kids leave, you realize that you have been neglecting your marriage and now your relationship needs attention.
Reconnecting as a couple can be a challenge if your activities primarily revolved around your children’s school and activities. Additionally, couples may react differently to becoming empty nesters, potentially leading to tension in the relationship. Some mothers find it hard to let go and embrace change, while the fathers navigate this phase like a breeze. Or vice-versa.
Reset your life as a couple- just how you first started this relation. Go for long walks together, cook together, watch a Netflix season together, or travel to the place where you went for your honeymoon!
It’s important to see this phase as an opportunity to rediscover your connection and rekindle the reasons you fell in love in the first place.
5. Anxiety about your children
When our children leave home, it’s natural to worry about the hard realities that come with their new adventures. We worry about their safety and people who might hurt them. We are most worried about not being there with them to pick up the pieces. However, constant anxiety and checking in multiple times a day is not healthy.
Instead, allow them to use the skills you taught them when they were living at home, and let them spread their wings.
Find a balance between your desire to stay connected and their need for privacy.
This could involve setting up regular communication, like weekly calls, daily texts, or dinner dates if they’re nearby. If your kids are far away then you can video call them and eat at the same time and catch up on the latest gossip.
Conclusion
The transition to an empty nest can indeed be a challenging and emotional period after nearly two decades of parenting and a house filled with children. However, it’s essential to recognize that the initial feelings of fear and sadness will subside as you adapt to a quieter household and a life focused on your own interests.
If you find yourself struggling with a sense of meaninglessness or experience depression or anxiety that feels overwhelming, it’s crucial to reach out to a professional for assistance.
Additionally, seeking the support of others who understand this phase, whether through a support group or friends going through a similar process, can provide invaluable comfort and guidance.
Make your life partner your best friend. Do all the things together that you always wanted to do, but never had the time for. If you are happy, then your kids will be at peace and they can perform better and achieve more in life.
Remember, you’ve successfully fulfilled your role as a parent, and now it’s time to embrace the freedom and opportunities that come with being a parent of adult children.
FAQs
Navigating an empty nest involves finding new hobbies, rekindling your own interests, and focusing on self-care, all while staying connected with your grown children and adjusting to the changes in your daily routine.
The time it takes to adjust to an empty nest varies for each individual, but it typically takes several months to a year as you adapt to the new phase of life and establish a new routine. Support from friends and family can also help ease the transition.
The stages of the empty nest typically include the initial shock and sadness of the children leaving, followed by a transitional period where you adjust to the change, and ultimately a stage of renewal where you explore new opportunities and focus on self-growth. These stages can vary in duration and intensity for each person.
The average age of empty nesters tends to be in the late 40s to early 50s, but it can vary depending on when individuals have children and when their children leave home.
Couples may divorce when they are empty nesters because the absence of children can bring underlying relationship issues to the forefront, and they may realize they have grown apart over the years. Additionally, with more free time and fewer distractions, some couples may reassess their priorities and decide to pursue separate paths in life.
The psychology of empty nesters often involves a mix of emotions, including sadness, relief, and a search for renewed purpose, as they adjust to a quieter home and the need to redefine their roles and goals in the absence of children. It can also lead to a period of self-discovery and personal growth as individuals explore new opportunities and experiences.
Empty nesters often find enjoyment in various activities such as traveling, pursuing hobbies they set aside while raising children, socializing with friends, volunteering, or exploring new interests, which can bring a sense of fulfillment and excitement during this life stage.
Empty nesters can experience benefits like increased freedom, more time for self-care and personal pursuits, stronger focus on their relationship with a partner, and opportunities to explore new hobbies or travel without the responsibilities of raising children. This phase can bring a renewed sense of independence and self-discovery for many individuals.
Yes, men can also experience the “empty nest” syndrome, and the painful feelings associated with it. Men are less inclined to acknowledge these emotions because they don’t want to appear “weak”. So they deal with these feelings by trying to suppress, control or avoid them.
The sibling empty nest syndrome is not a widely recognized term, but it may refer to the feelings of loneliness, nostalgia, or loss that some siblings experience when their brothers or sisters move out of the family home, leaving them as the only child at home. These feelings can be similar to what parents experience when their children leave, as the dynamics within the sibling relationships change.
